L’chayim to the Chief!
Benjamin Netanyahu becomes the 48th president of the United States of America.
In an extraordinary set of circumstances, an unprecedented agreement was recently reached between the administrations of Israel and United States to transfer power in the White House.
Congratulations, then, are due to the 48th President of the United States, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu, who was sworn in as US commander-in-chief this afternoon.
“I wouldn’t call it a usurpation of power, not in the least,” said Alan Dershowitz, the newly-appointed head of the Department of Justice. “And no, before you ask, it’s not at all a problem for Bibi also to be current president of the state of Israel. After all, he possesses dual citizenship in both countries, which resolves all possible legal questions.”
Secretary Dershowitz pointed out that the Supreme Court has unanimously upheld the legality of President Netanyahu’s ascension to power.
“It is, admittedly, a bit out of the ordinary, but these are hardly ordinary times,” declared Chief Justice John Roberts, in a written statement signed by the rest of the Supreme Court justices.
“Israel’s enemies are also the enemies of the United States,” observed freshly-retired President Donald Trump. “So really we’re just eliminating the middleman, which quite frankly was me… Now Bibi can run the executive branch and be commander-in-chief of our great US military, in its dedicated fight to utterly destroy all of Israel’s enemies, be they foreign or domestic.”
“Now I can finally retire and work full-time on my golf game down in Mar-a-Lago,” Trump wisecracked.
“Yes, you have served Israel well, my friend,” President Netanyahu responded, giving Trump a friendly clap on the back. “You deserve a little R and R! Go hang out at the pool in the Florida sun with some nice, shapely shiksas! Mazel tov!”
Netanyahu’s inauguration took place in a private ceremony in an undisclosed Washington DC setting rumored to be the famous restaurant Comet Ping Pong.
Reportedly, the pomp and ceremony was kept to a minimum.
“During a time of war, it is necessary to cut costs on such frivolous matters,” the new president solemnly pronounced, adding that, having secured control over the US nuclear arsenal, the “Samson option” is “still on the table.”
“If things go badly, we might have to entertain such a radical course of action,” he said. “But if the goyim do as they are told and serve us properly, then victory is assured.”
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No one yet knows whom Netanyahu will pick as his VP, but many are speculating on formerly disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein, who last week was discovered to be living in a posh Tel Aviv flat, where he has spent most of his free time since 2019 playing Fortnite and Minecraft while liberally consuming pizza.
Netanyahu’s first act as president was to give Epstein a full pardon for all alleged crimes, past, present, and future.
“I’m not saying anything definitive right now, but that schmegege would sure put the ‘vice’ back in ‘vice-president,’ wouldn’t he?” Netanyahu asked reporters, with a sly wink.
