On Being Perpetually Rejected, Dismissed and Ignored
For all of my fellow travelers in loserdom.
Here, I will presumptuously presume to speak for all those who consider themselves to be rejects, cast-offs, losers, and failures.
Some of us have literally next to nothing, and are scratching desperately to get by. Others are able to live more comfortably, but not because of their own efforts.
Both those in the first class (the desperate scratchers), and those in the second class (those who enjoy comforts only because they are fortunate enough to have benefactors) have similar baseline perceptions of themselves in relation to the world that they inhabit. Those in the first class, of course, for somewhat understandable reasons, tend to see those in the second class as pretenders.
“Easy enough to have the luxury of being morose,” they sneer contemptuously. “But really you’re just a poser. Your failures hardly even count as failures, because you always have someone to bail you out, unlike me.”
Yet to take up for those who inhabit the second class of reject, consider this: the second class of reject must live every day with the reminder that the comforts he enjoys have absolutely whatsoever nothing to do with his efforts.
He could, of course, refuse to accept the assistance of his benefactor, in order to live what might seem to be a more “authentic” life. But… if he were to do this, would he not be assailed as being “performative” (the latest derogatory epithet everyone on the internet seems to be ubiquitously invoking? Wouldn’t he be accused of “martyring himself” in some bogus bid for cred? Wouldn’t he then become an even bigger laughingstock than ever before?
*******
All of us rejects, cast-offs, losers, and failures have one thing in common: our efforts have met with dismissal and repudiation. Some of us still believe that we have “something to offer,” in spite of the consistency of our failures, while others of us have had our former self-confidence bludgeoned out of us by the constant repetition of rejections we have experienced.
This is a difficult concept for some people to understand. Those who have experienced success and acceptance are inclined to view us unfavorably, as whiners and belly-achers. To be clear: we are not opposed to those who have experienced success and acceptance. It can, of course, be difficult to see someone several years your junior receive the plaudits that you have always been denied, but most of us are well-aware that pettiness and jealousy are “not a good look,” as well as conceding that many of those who succeed richly deserve the positive attention that has been bestowed upon them.
Some of us do fall into resentment and self-pity at times, but at our best, we are aware that it ill-behooves us to project such sour sentiments. We know that it is best to be gracious, and not to take it personally when someone else succeeds while we fail.
*****
Still— and I make this observation without bitterness— the successful one must concede that he has no idea what it is like to be continually rejected. He cannot conceive how demoralizing and alienating it is to dwell in a world that turns him down, not just occasionally, not just mostly, but always.
Without succumbing to unbecoming self-pity or unwholesome ressentiment, the rejected one still has grown to understand that his lot in life is seemingly to be excluded at every turn; he must find a way to come to peace with this highly undesirable reality, which naturally enough, is easier said than done.
******
Those of our ilk must also wrestle with the sneaking suspicion that their very existence was some sort of cosmic mistake, and that their continued persistence in being is little but a burden to those around them. They must reject such nihilistic propensities, but once again, it is easier said than done.
The sentiments I have shared here have no doubt tested the patience of some readers, who feel that the author has wallowed in inexcusable self-indulgence.
I am resigned to the reality that this will be the reaction of many. I still hold out hope, however, that some (perhaps a minority) will sympathize with that which is expressed here, whether or not they are able to “relate” or “identify” with my words.
https://andynowicki.substack.com/p/on-being-perpetually-rejected-dismissed