Canadian Ninnies
[My dear Canadian readers, a quick disclaimer before we dive in: Please forgive my sharp tongue toward my fellow Canucks in the piece that follows. I hold dual citizenship—Canadian and American—and arrived here fifteen years ago utterly enchanted by this country’s core spirit. I adored the people, the history, and everything Canada represented (except maybe its government, as I am not pleased with governments anywhere). That hasn’t truly faded. But I do sense a shift in some fundamental behaviours—not just up here, but among Americans too, and across much of the Western world. So, cut me some slack if this ruffles your Canada Goose feathers. This is mostly satire; I am making fun of everyone. I still love you all, eh?]
With all due respect to what used to be a very respectable country and body of humans called Canadians: Canada now sucks. And of course it isn’t it’s people who suck, it is the government, as usual. That said, the people are not totally free of responsibility—they are obviously sucked in, they obviously believe most of the garbage the Liberal government shoves down their throat. But still, as in America and most other places, people shouldn’t be this stupid, but they obviously are.
I moved here 15 years ago. Before that, I was barely even aware Canada existed (typical of most Americans). I certainly knew nothing about the War of 1812 where Canadians still claim a military victory over the United States. Here’s the funny part: in 1812 Canada wasn’t even a country. It was a scattering of British colonies defended mostly by British regulars, Native allies, and a handful of local militia. The “Canadian victory” was essentially Britain burning Washington D.C. while Canadians were busy not losing their own backyard. Yet to this day, if you mention 1812 to a Canadian, their chest puffs out like they personally repelled the invasion with a hockey stick and a stern “sorry, eh?” Meanwhile, 99% of Americans either draw a total blank or mutter, “Didn’t we win that one?” It has become a national folk tale up here, a plucky-David-beats-Goliath story they cling to the way some Southerners still fly the Confederate flag and insist the Civil War was about “states’ rights.” Both are ancient history, both sides lost more than they admit, and both are still nursing the grudge like it happened last Tuesday.
These Canadians remind me of the many short men I knew in my adolescent years—the classic Napoleon complex in action. Obsessed with what they perceived as their shortcomings (no pun intended), they often strutted around, desperate to boast about something positive to make themselves feel bigger. It’s much the same with Canadians: “We beat you Americans in the War of 1812!!” they’ll crow to an American friend at a cocktail party. The response? A blank stare, maybe followed by “What war?” or “So what?”
America is like the lumbering giant with a small bird pecking its head, angry as hell trying to make an impression, but the giant not even noticing its earnest efforts.
Don’t get me wrong, most Americans I know, if they even know Canada exists, think very highly of their northern neighbour. They may not know much of Canada’s history, but they generally think of Canadians as very kind and caring. They like the idea of Canada—serene, peaceful, pretty, occupied by very polite people. People who probably live in igloos.
But what the hell is happening now? Due to the actions of the great orange menace, whom the rest of the world truly hates, America has done Canada, and its people, wrong. “Down with America!” they chant, “Elbows up!” they scream. “I don’t want to play in your yard! I don’t like you anymore. You’ll be sorry when you see me sliding down our cellar door.” To quote an old children’s song. Ninnies.
I gotta say, I’m rather sick of it. Not only have Canadians taken great zeal in refusing to buy American products, they have started to boycott even visiting the US. The great “snowbird” migration into the land of the free (FREE? ha ha on that one!) every winter has taken a huge blow. “That’ll show ‘em, those pigs!”
Why? Well, thanks to Carney and his associates, the people of Canada have been taught that Americans are to blame for, among other indiscretions, the crippling tariffs the Cheeto-in-Chief has levied against Canada—and not just the government of Canada, but directly against its people. Really? So, fellow Canucks, stop buying U.S. products, stop cheering for U.S. sports teams, and most importantly, stop making trips into Satan’s sun-baked dominion to get warm during the cold Canadian winter.
What infuriates me about this situation is that Canadian officials and media are deliberately misleading the public about why Canadians are supposedly “afraid” to visit the United States. It’s not genuine fear driving the drop in cross-border travel and spending—it’s a coordinated pressure campaign. The government and its allies are encouraging Canadians to boycott American vacations, products, and businesses as a way to punish the U.S. for daring to impose tariffs and for electing a president (Trump) that Ottawa doesn’t like (who does?).
Let’s be real about those tariffs: even at their peak impact, credible estimates put the extra cost to the average Canadian household at roughly $200–$400 per year—hardly the catastrophic blow it’s being portrayed as (for the average, every day, Canadian). Trade disputes are complex, technical, and almost always handled government-to-government. That’s how it’s supposed to work.
But instead of negotiating quietly and professionally like adults, Canadian leaders are whipping up nationalist anger: “The Americans have attacked us! They’re bullying us! Elbows up, fellow Canadians—hit them where it hurts: stop spending your money in the U.S.!” They’re turning a standard trade friction into a populist crusade and deliberately enlisting ordinary citizens as foot soldiers in their economic retaliation.
This is the ultimate straw-man tactic. The real U.S. grievances aren’t mysterious:
- Chronic trade imbalances
- Lax border enforcement
- Canada’s failure to crack down on fentanyl precursor chemicals flowing from China through Canadian ports into the U.S.
- Dairy supply management and other protectionist policies
These are legitimate issues that should be fixed at the negotiating table. Instead, the Canadian government deflects blame, stokes resentment, and tells its own people to “fight back” by boycotting Florida vacations and Costco runs. In other words, they’re using their own citizenry as a weapon—making Canadians pay the price (higher costs at home, lost vacations, strained relations) to do the government’s political dirty work.
That’s not leadership. That’s cowardice. Fix the actual problems you helped create, Ottawa—stop hiding behind your own people.
But hide they do. Ninnies.
So maybe my real beef is with the government. Of course it is, but it doesn’t help that Canadians go along with all of this without batting a critical eye. And is this just a problem with Canadians? Certainly not. It’s a problem with nearly everyone in the world.
I used to roll my eyes at Americans for being brash, loud, and utterly shameless about putting themselves first. Now I look south and see a country that, love him or hate him, elected a bare-knuckled brawler who actually gives a damn about his own citizens and isn’t afraid to swing.
Up here? We’ve anointed a silk-suited central banker who spends more time glad-handing Klaus Schwab’s cocktail crowd than he ever spends defending a single Canadian job. A man whose idea of “standing up for Canada” is delivering a perfectly rehearsed TED Talk about carbon pricing while the Americans slap tariffs on our lumber, our steel, and our dignity. And we’re genuinely surprised—hurt, even—when the adults in the room finally stop humouring our polite little delusions and start treating us like the naive junior partner, we’ve spent decades proving we are.
Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.
The same obedient sheep who cheered the Emergencies Act, who froze bank accounts of truckers, who called anyone who disagreed a “fringe minority with unacceptable views,” are now the same obedient sheep boycotting Florida and bragging about it on social media. Same herd, new bellwether.
We never learn.
So yes, Canada currently sucks. Not because of its history or even because of most of its people, but because we’ve allowed ourselves to be governed by posturing, virtue-signalling, globalist ninnies who would rather torch their own citizens’ standard of living than admit they’ve been wrong about anything, ever.
Prove me wrong, Canada. Grow a spine. Fix the damn problems instead of whining. Stop letting your government use you as human shields in a trade war.
Until then . . . elbows up, I guess. Or is it knees down?