Gentlemanliness
I argued in a recent essay that the standard guidebooks on gentlemanly etiquette mostly miss the point—and that a few prerequisites like energy, attentiveness, and decisiveness will take a man further than knowledge of rules. In this essay I will completely contradict myself and begin to record everything I know about gentlemanly conduct, an extended note-to-self about my own aspirations. As decorum and charm wane, as social life grows duller, colder, and less memorable, this is my plan for defying the trends.
An aim of my larger project is to re-balance courtesy with the other chivalric virtues—prowess, honor, generosity, loyalty, and faith—and to correct the attempts of previous generations to make courtesy the whole of chivalry. What’s interesting is that the elevation of courtesy has also made the virtue less compelling, less invigorating, and more dorky. So to demote courtesy is paradoxically to honor it, to reestablish it within a more fruitful context. A flower grows better when situated in the soil of a healthy garden than when uprooted and placed on a cold stone altar. True courtesy is simply the social expression of the other virtues.
So with that, here are the first principles.
Seek to bring out the best in others
The challenge is to be a man whose presence makes the difference. As an analogy I’m thinking of an excellent basketball player I knew years ago whose presence on the court changed everything. It wasn’t just his individual excellence that gave our team a better chance to win, though that was big—but also his transformative effect on his teammates. You became a different player in proximity to him. The standard he set, the opportunities he created for others, the way he bailed you out of tricky spots—in all these ways, he made you better and you felt his absence when he wasn’t on the court.
All the real ones have this effect. When they show up, things change. In The Song of Roland, Gautier conveys the difference made by the title character’s presence: “Never have I known fear when you were there.” Almost all other principles of gentlemanliness follow from this. Be that guy. A true Christian gentleman who reflects the glory of the Lord.
Practice courtesy from a position of strength
This goes in tandem with the previous one to form the meta-principles of gentlemanly conduct. My friend’s effect on his teammates started with his personal excellence. The two were inseparable. So that means we need to cultivate strength if we want to be the kind of man who brings out the best in others. Courtesy becomes all the more powerful when it’s practiced by a strong man—the difference between some skinny try-hard giving up his seat in church (a nice gesture, but not terribly impressive) and El Cid doing the same (something powerful). You are not “nice,” not domesticated, not a pushover hiding neediness behind manners—you are a real man who chooses kindness and warmth, who enjoys doing so.
Literal physical exercise is the best way to jumpstart the process of becoming that guy—because physical exercise has moral and spiritual implications. Everybody should test the limits of what he might physically become. But that’s obviously not the extent of the challenge. You must cultivate all forms of strength and bring forth the best within yourself. You must read good books. You must study great men. You must grow in faith. You must destroy any pathetic neediness in your heart. You must get some Ws and build momentum. Everything depends on it.
Squeamish souls might not like to hear this, but courtesy has a lot to do with power—and the true gentleman ought to embrace the power that courtesy brings. Not power in the sense of manipulative force, but power in the sense of personal vibrancy and the influence that naturally follows. And with your power you can do more good: “’Tis the chief glory of the high and mighty to be gracious,” writes Baltasar Gracian, “a prerogative of kings to conquer universal goodwill. That is the great advantage of a commanding position—to be able to do more good than others. Those make friends who do friendly acts.” True courtesy sets in motion virtuous cycles.
Be glad to see others—and show it
This might sound terribly obvious. But it’s obvious because it’s true—and just because it’s obvious doesn’t mean we’ve learned and mastered and can move past it. As Orwell once noted, our current problems necessitate the restatement of obvious truths.
The simplest and most underrated part of gentlemanly courtesy is simply being happy to see others. Those first moments of an encounter set the tone, and they broadcast your feelings about others. There’s nothing worse than the low energy fellow who cannot muster enough enthusiasm to greet people warmly. Not that a guy should be a dork about it. Keep strong frame. A smile and a warm tone might be all that’s required. It’s easy enough to be dignified while making others feel like you’re glad to see them.
This good cheer sets a man apart.
Learn names
Introducing yourself is almost always a good idea—and fewer and fewer people seem to care to do it, or even know how to do it. The gesture shows that you wish to make a person’s acquaintance, rather than drifting in and out of his or her life namelessly. There’s something awkward and passive about proceeding too far with an interaction without introducing yourself. By contrast, the introduction is an opportunity to assert yourself—borderline aristocratic behavior in informal times.
The trickier part is remembering names. Not that anybody will fault you for needing a reminder next time you see the person—but that just means you will stand out all the more if you do remember. Reminding yourself a few times after you’ve parted ways will help make the name stick.
A gentleman must know that hearing our own name has a powerful effect. But take care—there’s also something off-putting about the overeager climber-type whose overuse of names makes it sound like a tactic he picked up at some How to Win Friends and Influence People training sessions. A good rule of thumb would be to use the person’s name in greetings and farewells.
Dive in to small talk
One often hears the following: “I hate small talk.””Small talk is so pointless.””I don’t want to go to a place where I’ll have to make small talk.”
This is the wrong attitude—low energy, low spontaneity, low courtesy. When a man despises small talk, it’s almost always a skill issue. He’s bad at it. He doesn’t know how to leave the well-trodden path of obvious questions and responses, and his small talk is dull as a result. It’s certainly true that the standard cut-and-paste exchanges about the weather are not memorable, but the man who complains about small-talk somehow forgets that he himself has the power to make conversations less pointless, perhaps even enjoyable. He also probably doesn’t get enough practice and becomes worse and more anxious with time. We are much more likely to call something “stupid” when we falter at it.
These complaints also imply that all conversations should be about Heavy & Serious Matters. Which is dumb. If we can’t be light and spontaneous, that’s our problem. Is flirting pointless too? What is flirting but romantically charged small talk?
The good news is that these muscles can be developed. A man can improve instantly by simply being interested in the person he’s talking to. Listening is always the key, really listening to what a person says, rather than just waiting your turn to talk. People always tell more than they realize—not just with what they say and how they say it, but also with what they don’t say. A good conversationalist notices. He uses his observations to ask better questions, to go off-script, to give color to the exchange. And in the process he brings real pleasure to others. He knows that taking on the challenge of making good small-talk is better than bitching about it.
Here’s a more specific pointer: have some color ready when you are asked standard questions like, “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?” Too often these questions are conversational dead-ends.
“Where are you from?” Jake asks.
“Pompano Beach, Florida,” Ryan answers.
“Cool,” Jake responds, not having any knowledge of that place—and the conversation hits a lull. Then Ryan asks Jake the same question and the conversation hits still another lull. It’s going nowhere fast, a mutual interview of false-starts.
Knowing the question is coming, Ryan ought to have a follow-up, something his home city is known for, anything that distinguishes it and gives the conversation a push forward. For example, I grew up in Maple Grove, Minnesota, which I recently learned is where the two-hit-wonder Mark Althavan Andrews—better known as Sisqó—resides. So I mention that the man behind “Thong Song” lives in my home city, and the conversation goes from there.
Some authorities recommend offering a compliment about something the other person is wearing early in the conversation. That may or may not be your style, but the point is to figure out what works for you to advance a conversation past the dry formalities.
Work your eyes
Liveliness should radiate from the eyes—boldness, energy, clarity, conviction. Your eyes tell others far more than your words do; they are the most expressive and most mobile part of your face and ought to be put to use. Watch almost any Ryan Gosling movie and you will see a clinic in how a man can work his eyes to powerful effect.
We’re currently living through a crisis of eye contact avoidance—a brief moment of live human connection is too much for many, or having established eye contact they soon bale. (Some have suggested that this goes hand-in-hand with porn addiction, which makes a man so insubstantial that he cannot bear the potency of meeting actual human eyes.) On one level this is a matter of politeness, a sign of respect and acknowledgement: to avoid eye contact might be deemed rude dismissiveness. On another level, it’s very much about your effect as a man: strong eyes are one of the most powerful ways that a gentleman makes his presence felt. As with all of these principles, don’t overdo it—or else you risk coming off as overbearing or awkward. And there are times when eye contact should be a little lighter than others. As I mentioned in the previous essay, attentiveness to the demands of the moment is always required.
Leil Lowndes mentions a few other things that charming people do with their eyes, like glancing at another listener when a third person is talking or something else is happening, particularly as a signal of interest in their reaction. I’ve known people who do this to incredibly powerful effect.
Make a challenge of making eye contact with strangers and acquaintances—without being creepy about it—and not being the first to look away.