I’ve come to enjoy writing this series of notes on gentlemanliness. Because most of the guidebooks on the subject are worthless, I thought I’d take a stab at it myself. The aim is to clarify my own thoughts on how I want to conduct myself—and to present a more aspirational vision of gentlemanliness than the mere niceness and rule-following promoted by longhouse enthusiasts.

See Parts I, II, and III if you haven’t already. Here goes Part IV:

12) Don’t be bored

“Nothing,” writes Cecil B Hartley, “is more embarrassing to anyone who is speaking than to perceive signs of weariness or inattention in the person whom he addresses.” So don’t be that guy in conversation who sighs, yawns, checks his phone, or scans the room for something more interesting—in other words, don’t be bored.

This principle applies beyond seemingly dull conversations with less-than-scintillating people. It has more to do those who are bored of life.

There are two senses of bored: 1) wearied, suffering from ennui and 2) pierced, perforated, cylindrically hollow. The connection between these is telling—to be bored is to be literally hollowed.

He who is bored is also boring. There’s more than enough going on in the wide world to give your eager attention to. Even the seemingly dull people have something to teach. Don’t be the kind of overgrown manchild who needs to be entertained with constant novelty and flashing lights and noise. A man with the eyes and the imagination to see the more subtle workings of the universe should be endlessly fascinated—and fascination lends itself well to courtesy. Just as the bored man is also boring, so the interested man is also interesting.

13) Restrict superlatives, hyperbole, and exaggerated language

A wise man once advised against oath-taking: “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from the Evil One.”

Something similar might apply to the use of unnecessary superlatives and hyperbole and exaggerated language. Only a few books can truly be life-changing, and only one movie can be the greatest movie you’ve ever seen. Nor do we need to overwork “so” as an adverb, like we’re adding extra o’s for effect: she is sooooo beautiful.

This rage to amplify our language is a sign of deterioration. We don’t trust the words to do work. We can’t just leave it at “He’s funny” or “He made me laugh until tears came out of my eyes”—but instead we turn to superlatives and say, “He’s one of the funniest people ever!” The words lose meaning. “Funniest person ever” comes to mean “very funny,” and “sooooo funny” comes to mean just plain “funny.” Superlative-users are like addicts who need to increase the dosage just to feel anything.

Baltasar Gracian says the use of chronic superlatives shows a narrow mind, poor taste, and a violative tendency toward the truth. I would add that it makes someone tiresome to talk to—and ultimately discourteous. By contrast, there’s something beautifully understated and confident about a man who trusts his words.

14) Cheer for the victories of others

We talk a lot about being there for our friends when they’re down. It’s a fine service to render—but it’s also not all that challenging. Only the most brutally selfish people fail to be there for a friend in an hour of need.

The bigger test is cheering for your friend when good fortune comes his way—and not yours. How many of us will tend toward envy or resentment of our friend’s good fortune? It’s a deeply human failing, but not a very gentlemanly one. A real man roots for his guys and does his best to help them succeed, like the stud teammate I mentioned in Part II.

15) Don’t give others credit they haven’t earned

Giving respect to others (a good thing) is very different from allowing yourself to be overawed by them (not a good thing). Some of us have a tendency to build others up in the mind—especially those we don’t know well, and especially those we might be competing against in some way. “The imagination always jumps too soon,” Gracian says, “and paints things in brighter colors than the real.” Mystery often claims credit that isn’t earned.

And the hype is almost always overblown—nothing will deflate it like simply getting to know the person.

The point is that we must not hold others in such regard that we sabotage ourselves and our interactions with them. Don’t build others up in your mind so that they become impossibly formidable—because, in doing so, you’ve made it more difficult to approach them on courteous terms. This applies to romance. By all means, a gentleman should have a romantic soul, but don’t be so overawed by the lady that you make her into an unattainable goddess or a flawlessly innocent creature. Don’t dress her up in such a glow that you can’t actually see her.

16) Learn the art of giving compliments—and receiving them

A couple years back I wrote an essay on the art of the compliment. The tldr is that a kind word can have a nearly miraculous effect, and that a gentleman should get in the habit of voicing them. But there are right ways and wrongs ways. Compliments should be specific, genuine, and targeted, rather than cheap, forced, and indiscriminate. The goal is to be gentlemanly rather than merely “positive.” (There’s nothing worse than fake positivity.) I’ve laid out a few different ways to be the guy with an encouraging word.

The Art of the Compliment

Chivalry Guild

·

April 20, 2022

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17) Do not worry

At some point in your life when you were anxious and fretting, your mother probably informed you that “worrying won’t make it any better.” I always found myself a little annoyed when I heard that seemingly unhelpful advice. Easier said than done, Mom. I wish she would have clarified: You will make everything a lot worse by worrying.

Worry makes courtesy all the more difficult. The man who worries is not charming, not attentive, not enjoyable to be around. He endangers his social powers when he worries.

And it gets worse.

Worry kills your T-levels too. Without even looking at the science-talk about the relationship between testosterone and cortisol, you know in your bones that unshakeable verve and chronic worry cannot co-exist: they are like the two men in the old westerns who both agree that “this town’s not big enough for the both of us.” If you want to be functioning at your highest possible level, if you want to be the kind of man who takes risks and rises to the challenges of life, you need testosterone and you cannot afford to waste it on worry.

Do you know who else, beside your mother, tells you not to worry? The Lord! How many times does Holy Scripture command one to fret not?

• Philippians 4:6: “Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.”
• Isaiah 41:10: “Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God.”
• Matthew 6:25: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear.”

And the list goes on. He who made you knows what’s good for you—and worry is not one of those things.

More coming soon…

https://thechivalryguild.substack.com/p/gentlemanliness-part-iv