(show joined in progress) Thank you, Jamal and LaTiqu’e, for today’s update on LeBron James and Steph Curry and what they had for breakfast. And now, to today’s final round of The Masters golf tournament.

We have a special treat for you. We’re going to cut to Golf Channel’s “Live from the Masters” pre-game show, hosted as always by that network’s long-time master maestro Rich Lerner, his earnest apprentice Brandel Chamblee, and former European Ryder Cup captain Paul McGinley.

Lerner is laboring under difficult circumstances for this one to put it mildly. Normally, Rich devotes 98.5% of Golf Channel’s tournament analyses to Tiger Woods, but since Tiger is recuperating from his latest lower body surgery and won’t be playing, Rich has graciously vowed to reduce his focus on Woods to under 60% this week, a difficult task indeed but if anyone can do it it’s Rich Lerner.

Rich “Conehead” Lerner (left) and his faithful apprentice Brandel Chamblee

Lerner: Before we get into it, let’s have a brief prayer. Oh Yahweh, thank you for your blessings, especially the greatest blessing of all, Tiger Woods. We know that even though Tiger is now 49 years old, has won just one major in the past 17 years, and has slipped to 874^th in the world rankings, if he was able to limp around Augusta National this week, gasping for air, he would have been one of the favorites.

Thank you for blessing us with Tiger’s endearing antics when he was younger, such as loudly cursing, spitting, throwing clubs, and giving the dead eye stare to his legions of fans.

Thank you for letting him develop into such a strapping physical presence by making his shoulders three times wider than they used to be. We know that the near total breakdown of his body can be attributed solely to eating too many Cheerios and not to any possible use of performance enhancing substances. His two knee reconstructions, six back surgeries, two Achilles surgeries, and an ankle surgery among the 20 surgeries he’s had were solely the result of Satan’s failed attempts to diminish his greatness. Amen.

Chamblee, with tears streaming down his cheeks: Amen.

McGinley watches on stoically, saying nothing.

Lerner: We can’t wait for the start of today’s final round, with Rory McIlroy and Bryson DeChambeau going head to head trying to win the right to wear one of this great tournament’s fabled green jackets at the end of the day. Tiger Woods. Bryson has already won two U.S. Opens and is trying for his third major win today, while Rory has been trying since 2014 to win here and complete the career grand slam. Tiger Woods. Only five men have won the career grand slam, the most recent to accomplish the feat being Tiger Woods. Brandel, how do you see the final round playing out?

Chamblee: Rory has come close but stumbled a number of times in recent years trying to win that elusive green jacket. Tiger completed the career slam much quicker and at a much younger age, but there’s only one Tiger Woods. Bryson is bursting with confidence and is proving to be a tenacious competitor, one who might stifle Rory’s dream again today, just as Tiger broke Phil Mickelson’s heart so many times through the years, but I’m still going with Rory to get the job done today. Tiger Woods.

McGinley: There’s been too much negativity surrounding golf in recent years due to the continuing conflict between the PGA and DP tours with the Saudi-funded LIV tour, which is backed by billions of dollars. What a great and refreshing story it would be if Rory McIlroy achieves the grand slam today, it would be just what golf needs as –

Chamblee: Excuse me Paulie, but are you saying that if Rory wins it would be even one one-hundredth as important and exciting as when Tiger completed the career grand slam? Did you spend too much time tippling with your fellow Irishmen at the refreshment stand last night?

McGinley: I’m simply saying that –

Lerner: And now let’s go to Todd Lewis, who is with Rory McIlroy.

Lewis: Rory, if you win today and complete the career grand slam, do you expect to receive a congratulatory text or phone call from Tiger Woods?

McIlroy: I really couldn’t say, I’m completely focused on what I have to do today to win.

Lewis: Boring! Back to you, Rich.

Lerner: Let’s go to Cara Banks and her super-annoying upper class British accent, who’s with Bryson DeChambeau.

Banks: Bryson, if you win today you’ll be halfway to the career grand slam. Does that make you realize just what an achievement it was when Tiger Woods pulled it off and did you spend last night dreaming that Tiger will be watching you today?

DeChambeau: I didn’t really think much about that, I’m completely focused on what I have to do today to win.

Banks: Clearly, Bryson isn’t in a talkative mood today. Back to you, Rich.

Lerner: Before we wrap up today’s show, let’s show you yet again ultra-slow motion footage of Tiger’s swing circa 2000. Brandel, what are we watching here?

Chamblee: It can only be described as watching the greatest athlete this side of Lebron James, Steph Curry, and so many other NBA players. This is poetry in motion and (holding back sobs) I can and do watch it every day when I’m feeling down.

Lerner: That’ll do it for today. Tiger Woods. We’ll be back after the final round to let you know how it all went down. And remember, later today and every day in 2025, to watch Golf Channel’s 365 part series, “Y2K: 25 Years Later, the Year Tiger Woods Changed World History by Winning Three Majors in the Same Year.” Thanks for watching. Tiger Woods. (Heard off-mic as the show was fading back to the Corporate Sports studio, “Hey Brandel, race you to the souvenir store to see who can buy the most Tiger memorabilia.” Chamblee: “You’re on!”)

Biff Blowdry of The Corporate Sports Report: Well that was certainly a fascinating peak at why Rich Lerner has no peers when it comes to objective reporting and piercing commentary on golf. When we come back from several minutes of commercials pitching ED products and various Big Pharma medications with hundreds of side effects, we’ll report on a breaking story accusing Mattel of racism for taking so long to introduce a LeBron James Ken doll and for not yet changing Barbie over to a likeness of Jasmine Crockett. Don’t go anywhere, we’ll be right back.

https://donwassall.substack.com/p/postcards-from-the-empire-115